To every related one,pls forgive me.Although I know I'm not that important to u.But to my way of thinking,I took u on such an irreplaceable position and I am so afraid of hurting anyone,maybe I'm too serious on this,right?
The minute when I sent out that email,I knew everything cannot be held back,but I can tell u,this is a considered decision and hope u could support me.I keep thinking and thinking at night,image the picture in my mind which shows the future scene,then I arranged it step by step,received some encourage from others..finally I decided to quit and going abroad.
I need to see sth different,I have stayed in one place for almost twenty-four years,got a strange character and a lot of true friends.I miss them so much.But it does not equal to I cannot sit alone,learn sth necessary and live a quiet life.I admit I've dipped in a chaos not long ago,due to I can hardly see a bright way that lead me to happiness.During this period,I told myself for several times,I must be brave and make some real decision.At last,I showed my determination,thank godness.
In order to keep in touch with u all in recent time,I would like to tell u my short-term plan as below,
March,I will finish the rest of works and leave the office.
April,I need to prepare the ITELS and try to get a higher score.At the same time,I must choose a university and specialty for master degree,but it all depends on how many offers I can get,so I'm anxious awaiting.
May,I plan to start a trip to Japan,see the most developed country in Asia before I go to Europe.
June until I leave,maybe prepare the courses in English and gain some experience of daily life,to avoid starvation in abroad.
But these are just plans and I don't know if dreams could become reality.The most important,u can call me for any recreated activity at any available time.Don't do anything that will cause sadness!
光阴似水,年年岁岁,多少年之后的现在,我依然是个白痴.于是乎,我毫无长进地重复迷惘和游荡.决定了一些事,却又无实践的勇气.接触了一些人,却始终摸不透自己的定位.虽然我的人生没办法奢侈地浪费,但总也缺少指引的力量.也许我就要这么废了.
今天是2009年1月31日,名副其实的跨入新一个年头.光阴似水,年年岁岁,我依然在追求虚无缥缈和不切实际.也许我有那样的精神和金钱,早该投身正经事业.然而时间还在一分一秒的过去,我还在一刻不停的挥霍,并且不断进行反省和无谓的自我检讨.有病啊?
试想如果三十岁的现在,估计我还是一无所有.即使身旁的朋友都已携家带眷,高楼洋房.可自己还在无聊的写下这些.真难以想象出去后再回来面对怎样的环境和人.这么个不善交际的女人,会不会崩溃在异国他乡.抑或自由天性作祟,随心所欲,虚度人生.总之我难以预见个好结局.但留于此地而继续腐烂,十之八东篱把酒黄昏后九被自己折磨致死.
我又悲切了.疯子,疯子,已经不止一次被人这么称呼.也许人人都有见不得人那一面,阴暗到无法自控,转而施加于他人,痛苦蔓延.而这最容易波及到亲爱的人.就把我当个疯子继续呆下去吧.
爱+爱=非常爱,爱-爱=从头爱,爱乘爱=无限爱,爱除爱=唯一爱..
HAPPY NEW YEAR
传说中的本命年毫无意外的到来,时间以惊人的速度往前飞奔
新年第一天,我参加了婚礼,唱了歌,打了牌,还与一群人共度有恐怖片的夜晚
预示着又是缺乏创新精神的365天
新年第二天,我分别见了2个女人,逛了街,吃了大餐,看了电影
继续预示了严重缺乏创新精神的365天..
第三天,我终于干了点正事,纠结着看完了一大本英文manual
因为实在害怕在一无所知的情况下,面对大烟熏A字裙高跟鞋经理XX
真的,虽然没见过本尊,却已经预感她会是个称职的SM专家
现在,我在临上北京的火车前几小时,更新这个杂草丛生的blog
怀着深深的愧疚,我写下这一点 一点
第四天,我会在那个干冷的北方城市度过
但说实话,我就想从此留下,因为我怀念一年前的那7天
即使心情委靡,仍然怀念大年初一的山川,大年初二的泳池,大年初三的雪场,初四的钱柜..
我果真太委靡了
我也怀念几个月前的温暖初秋,微寒的后海,灯火阑珊的夜和冰冷的桥边,飘落一地的烟灰被风吹散
对不起,只能说对不起
以及穿高跟鞋攀长城的勇猛经历,我会想再试一次
背着行囊穿梭于四通八达的地下铁路,无比自在,或许我太过于热爱自由
可是,外面的世界永远是美好生活的前奏曲
所以 我继续
This is a miracle,indeed..Although it doesn't mean anything to other one.But to me,i don't remember,I'm listening,everything have changed,i still stay in here,alive..
Close my eyes,take a breath,it is so numb to say sorry.I did not do those things wrong,i'm not so easy to give in,but i've gave up for so many times,how stupid?
It makes me hard to satisfied myself,tell me i'm strong enough now,tell me i can face this life now,tell me i'm not that girl anymore,do you know that i am all ok?The scenery keep peace and silence in mind,need a pause at this time,or let it keep on going on the way?How many people they are just like me,i'm one of these copies walking in the street,look back the flowing years,stare at the inverted image in shopwindow,then crossing the next intersection..
I like the color of sky upper there,but not here,some where far away from home,i don't remember,do not know if that place suits me well,i want to picture some kind of happiness,want to pursue some kind of love,but i have some one i cannot leave,how..?
Running,with bare foot,she is really a brave girl,running with smile,that is me,in my mind
也许过激的心态会在大起大落中逐渐成熟,在一次次的走投无路之后,反而会渐渐淡漠这些情绪的波动.也许成熟了之后能从阴霾走向阳光,因为不会再过度的计较,不会把暂时的委屈和不满无限扩大,轻松自己,也轻松他人.我不想再陷入任性和乱发脾气的旋涡.毕竟没有人必须承受我莫名的怒火.我不会生任何人与现实的气,因为放下之后,总有其他温暖能感动自己,淹没过去.因为事实证明,一切都会好起来的.所以我不怪他,也不怪她,毕竟都是长久的朋友,随着日子的流逝,事态会一天天变好.所以我也不太过担心无心说出的话,因为朋友会理解与包容.在度过自认无可救药的白天时,会有星光灿烂的夜晚在等待.于是,我仍旧要微笑向上的度过每一天.欣慰的是,每一天的确能在平静与美满中结束.Still love u all!
hate,hate,hate..
吃点镇定剂,然后想想即将发生的事.
然后变换环境,用其他方式引开一些情绪.
只能这样了..其实时间过的很快,快到几乎被忽略.
但仍然害怕漆黑的夜晚,和我们之间间隔的那片海洋.
因为即使找到了方向又怎么样..
该怕的还是会怕,人总也没办法过上完全独立的生活吧?
于是,我决定耐着性子,继续表示自己的诚恳,即使得不到理解,然后头也不回的走掉.决定不把青春限制在40分钟的来回.决定不把情绪浪费在毫无结果的解释.在转换心情的过程中,太多旁人只是旁人,不想这样但又有什么办法??需要强迫自己面对现实,平静下来,做些有用功.但还是会有单独一人的恐慌,很恐慌..时间一分一秒的过去,日子一天一天的飞逝.很想横跨几十年,因为总有感觉撑不下去的时候.有点后悔从前没有注意铺路,而今要自己挖掘出一条路.不相信飞不过那些障碍,总有一天塌实的心情会回归.只不过,这中间要垫上多少的牺牲和盲目?
继续来这游荡,因为说好了不放弃..
今天是2008年6月28日.
我终于狠狠的按下了彻底删除
一个名叫SOY'S PAIN的空间.
白色标题映衬在枯黄的几片落叶之上
但是,我永远也不会再看见那些苍白的文字
很开心,很充实..
最终的数据统计是,
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I do not think this is the last update in my blog,after long time dip in the facebook..finally I return back to here.Just like XX said,(that girl always change her mind on English names,sigh..)when the interest fade away,we turn to the old & familiar place.This is a quiet/hidden space,so I take for granted that writing something with true emotion is safe..Last week my report came out no good,this week I insisted to resovle the problem of my stomach,and start from next week,I need to spend one year's time to take medicine everyday.Basiclly I feel depressed on my work,but I still do not have the determination to say bye'bye to it.The situation is hard to be controlled recently..Lack of experience and poor ability of expression,lead me to single choice future.I may go abroad,almost every friend knew that I will not stick on this job for over 2 years,so no need to play around on this issue.Thus I have already arranged for it,took English lessons,prepared for the IELTS..But it is really hard to say,my final decision in next year.I used to complain and bring forward some obscure words like,my future is dark..However,who can say I will not change by new chances,new guys,new jobs?Study is not my interest,nothing is.I am so lazy that even take breath as a exercise.The only thing I may pay attention is to enrich my life to be more colorful,more to see,more to touch.Must admit that I will not depend my choice on friends,you all left here,I still hard to move.Once I decided to leave,you cannot stop me anymore..So there is a picture in my head,we should stay in several different countries in future,maybe never meet again.At last I return to one same question,why-am-I-still-alive??
